Things I Learned About Dating in My 20’s
Big sis talk! This is me talking to my Gen Z bruh & sis. Let’s talk about the shit I left in my 20’s because at 30, we dating better!
People Show You Exactly Who They Are
Wednesday, October 19th, 2022
I guess I can say I’m a hopeless romantic. I’ve been in love a few times and over the years, my perception of love has drastically changed. After being in long-term relationships and recognizing how much work relationships are, maybe falling in love multiple times isn’t a bad thing. I mean, the beginning stages have always been my favorite after all.
Around this time of year, a particular ex crosses my mind because it’s around the time I found myself in this repetitive cycle.
Lemme start by saying, I have nothing but love for my exes because I learned what I needed to from those relationships and I can whole heartly say, none of them were the partner for me. Like Ariana said, “thank you, next!”
At 30, I’m dating better; I’m asking important questions and being direct. I’ll share 5 things I learned about dating in my 20’s over the upcoming weeks. Let’s start with the first.
People show you exactly who they are. I have fallen victim to being swooned by sweet talk. You know, the type that talks a big game, tells you all about this lifestyle and what they bring to the table.
I dated this guy that really had me thinking he was “the one.” Within a few months, I realized he wasn’t the person he painted himself out to be but at that point, I had already invested my emotions into the relationship and I saw so much potential; he could be that guy he portrayed himself to be. I used to fall for potential. But here’s the thing about potential, we all have it and not everyone lives into it. That’s also not fair to the other person; they should be appreciated for who they are at that point in time.
A big lesson I learned is people show you exactly who they are from the jump and their behavior (habits, character, how they express love) speaks volumes. Believe what they’re showing you. If they wanted to be someone who did x, y, z, then they would. Words are simply words if not followed with action.
How Y’all Meet Matters
Wednesday, October 26th, 2022
Last week, I talked about how action speaks volumes which leads me to the 2nd thing I learned about dating, how the two of you meet is very telling. It’s telling of character and it’s also telling of what you’ll put up with.
I met this guy who enjoyed the chase. We met when we were both in a relationship but that didn’t stop dude from flirting with me… HARD! And if I’m being completely honest, he seemed more interested in me than my boyfriend at the time. But it was something neither of us explored until years later when we were both available aka single, because ya girl is only interested in single and emotionally available men. Suddenly the tables had turned, I was the one crushing on him and he seemed uninterested. In fact, he was out there partying with other girls making a statement on social media. I felt jealous and… insecure because I knew he was out there flirting with them, just like how he did with me when we first met.
I learned that the way y’all meet matters and it foreshadows a situation you may one day find yourself in. It’s tough because they technically showed you from the jump who they are and you get your hopes up thinking maybe you’ll be the exception.
Next week, we’ll dive into why it’s necessary to ask someone their relationship status.
Ask Their Relationship Status
Wednesday, November 2nd, 2022
I last talked about how y’all meet matters. It’s also necessary to ask their relationship status, especially if you’re solely interested in someone who is single.
The reality is we don’t all have the same moral compass and you can’t assume that everyone that approaches you and expresses interest is single.
A while back, I thought I hit jackpot when I met this 36 year old. When we first met, I asked if he had social media so I could do some digging because yano, gotta make sure everything checks out. He told me he didn’t have social media but I happened to find his social and dude had a whole ass family! Lying is a deal breaker for me and cheating falls under that umbrella. I quickly cut things off and there was a mutual understanding.
A part of me was upset but to be fair, I never asked his relationship status. You can’t expect people to disclose their relationship status and they might be dishonest when you ask but at least you ask.
Ask their relationship status to know what you’re getting yourself involved in.
Be Open, Honest and Straightforward
Wednesday, November 9th, 2022
Tbh, I spent most of my 20’s single because dating felt like a game that I wasn’t trying to play. Now, if I’m interested in someone, I shoot my shot and let them know. I’m also asking better questions to gauge where they’re at emotionally and mentally (e.g. when was your last relationship, what’s your current dating mindset). I’ve also learned to communicate what I’m feeling and thinking. This definitely requires vulnerability and openness to hearing their perspective. Sometimes hearing what they’ve got to say isn’t easy but at least you have clarity and can decide for yourself if continuing to engage with them is worth your time and energy. There’s nothing worse than allowing your imagination to run wild and assume the hidden meaning behind their words.
I don’t have time to waste on dating games; straightforward Sap has been the new me.
Your Gut Feeling Is The Closest Thing To The Truth
Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022
When you very clearly feel (like literally in your body) someone is being untruthful, they most likely are. That’s enough; you don’t need to see the evidence and you don’t need them to confirm it. Trust your inner guidance.
One of my past relationships was with someone who struggled with addiction. Leaving that relationship is still to this day the hardest decision I had to make for myself. I didn’t want to leave; I had to leave.
If you don’t personally know any addicts, the manipulation is next level. To where your mind and inner knowing are in conflict.
I remember this particular day like it was yesterday. My boyfriend at the time had canceled plans because he wasn’t feeling well. I called him to see if he was okay and I immediately felt this sensation in my body that was screaming “he’s lying!” I questioned if he had a relapse and he went off. I felt immense guilt. I spent the whole day feeling bad for questioning his sobriety while also feeling like he was being dishonest. It was a feeling I couldn’t shake so I had to see for myself. Despite the stumbling and slurring, I chose to believe him. I stayed in the relationship a little longer until we ended up in the hospital for yet another detox.
A huge lesson I learned is to trust myself. It has taken a lot of work since then to rebuild and strengthen my intuition. Our bodies don’t lie. If you’re still and fully present with yourself, you’ll see your body has been communicating something to you all along. It’s okay if your mind can’t make sense of it. Your inner knowing is the closet thing to the truth.